What you’re getting wrong about feeling loved, according to relationship experts
What You’re Getting Wrong About Feeling Loved, According to Relationship Experts
What you re getting wrong about - When scrolling through dating profiles, many people prioritize traits like physical appearance, financial stability, and social standing—commonly referred to as LMS in modern dating jargon. For instance, a seasoned entrepreneur might list “over 6 feet” and “over 6 figures” as key attributes, while a CEO could be seeking a partner who embodies beauty and a shared vision for global exploration. Even a man in a blue convertible might claim he’s “less of an a**hole than I look.” These patterns reveal a widespread belief that external validation is the key to love.
The Science Behind Lasting Connection
While showcasing looks, wealth, and status might boost initial interest, research suggests these factors can hinder deeper emotional bonds. Experts argue that such traits often create superficial attraction but may lead to feelings of isolation over time. “Physical attractiveness, financial security, and social standing may impress people initially—driving short-term attraction and sexual interest,” explains Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis in their book *How To Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most*.
“Humans wouldn’t have survived as a species without feeling loved.”
Lyubomirsky, a distinguished psychology professor at UC Riverside, and Reis, a professor at the University of Rochester, emphasize that true connection requires more than just impressing others. They advocate for a shift toward being known rather than projecting an image. “Quality connections that studies show have an impact on both sickness and health” are the foundation of emotional well-being, according to the authors.
Why Americans Struggle With Social Health
Kasley Killam, author of *The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier*, highlights a growing disconnect. Over the past three decades, the percentage of Americans with 10 or more close friends has declined by 20 percent. Yet, the desire for meaningful relationships remains strong. More than 75% of participants in the 2024 American Friendship Project reported satisfaction with their social circles, but over 40% felt they lacked the depth of connection they wanted.
“Feeling a lack of connection is nothing short of dangerous.”
Killam warns that social isolation increases risks of stroke, dementia, and early death. This underscores the urgency of rethinking how we approach love and relationships. “If the stakes are so high—and the benefits so powerful—why aren’t we better at creating and sustaining that loving feeling?” the authors ask, pointing to common misconceptions that block genuine connection.
Five Misbeliefs That Hinder Love
Lyubomirsky and Reis identify five core myths that prevent people from feeling truly loved: 🚫 *If only I were more attractive, powerful, or successful.* 🚫 *If only I could make sure others knew my positive qualities and successes.* 🚫 *If only I could hide my shortcomings.* 🚫 *If only my partner could speak my love language.* 🚫 *If only I could get my partner to love me more.*
These beliefs, they argue, create unrealistic expectations and discourage authentic interaction. Instead of relying on changing oneself or others, the solution lies in transforming how we communicate. “Feeling loved does not come from altering our partners or ourselves,” the experts clarify. “It comes from changing our conversations.”
Practical Strategies for Deeper Connection
To foster love and connection, the authors recommend simple yet powerful approaches: • *Listen without interrupting.* Show others they matter by nodding, reflecting, and asking follow-up questions. • *Pose new questions.* For example, ask, “What’s something you’ve changed your mind about?” and truly listen to the response. • *Avoid offering advice unless invited.* Focus on understanding rather than solving.
By prioritizing presence and curiosity, individuals can build relationships rooted in mutual respect and emotional intimacy. This aligns with the broader science of social health, which underscores that love is not just a luxury—it’s a fundamental need for human survival and well-being.